Tag Archives: police

My Smoking Gun is Trying to Quit

I admit it, I’ve been in a weird mood. Maybe not more than usual, but more consistently. For those of you who like my saner stories, they’ll be coming, but this isn’t one of them.

My Smoking Gun is Trying to Quit

The police asked me about the smoking gun in my hand.

I said it had been smoking since before I met it, but it was trying to quit.

They asked about my red hands.

I said I’d been doing a craft project with disadvantaged youth.

They asked about the head in my freezer.

I said I was running a highly specific cryogenics experiment.

They wished me luck with my experiment and left.

Just as well. If they’d left the freezer door open any longer, it would have ruined everything. Now, I have to go wash the paint off my hands and go pick up some nicotine patches for my gun.

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The Hieroglyphics Teacher Prevails

For some background (if you wish), read:

The Hieroglyphics Teacher

The Hieroglyphics Teacher Makes a Discovery

The Hieroglyphics Teacher Strikes Back

elixir_of_life

Ben learned two things that day: 1. Never put Elixir of Life in the refrigerator; and 2. Given the chance, broccoli just wants to watch the world burn.

 Ben had opened his fridge to see that everything inside (including the fridge itself) had come to life. He immediately had to stop the eggs from hurling themselves onto the floor in some pointless gesture of bravado. The broccoli threw the empty Elixir of Life bottle at him and the butter burst into heartrending sobs.

 It took a while, but he finally figured out what had happened. The Elixir of Life had expanded and burst its seal, dripping onto the broccoli. It had come to life and had started spraying the Elixir onto everything else, out of sheer bloody-mindedness. Now Ben was starving, but he felt bad eating anything that could object vocally to the process.

 Luckily, Pizza Pockets were frozen and the food in the freezer was still refreshingly non-living. He took out the box and felt the accusing eyes of the rest of the food on him, as if he were raiding the morgue for a quick snack. He shut the fridge door.

 The question now (besides dealing with Ben Two) was what to do with the food. Now that they were living beings, it wasn’t a simple matter of just eating them or throwing them away. This is why the Elixir of Life bottle came with a warning on its side: May cause the endowment of inalienable rights. Use with caution.

 He decided to take a count first. He opened the fridge door and caught an egg as it immediately hurled itself out into space, yelling, “Yee-haw!” He corralled the rest of the eggs, shut the egg carton lid and held it down.

 In total, the sentient food included six eggs, a stick of butter, a head of broccoli, a half-empty bottle of soy sauce and an ancient box of baking soda that had been pushed into the back. It was lucky that he had not gone grocery shopping in a while.

 “You can’t hold us, fascist!” the broccoli yelled at him. “We’ve got rights.”

 “I know,” Ben said. “I read the side of the bottle. Where are you going to go, though? You’re all food.”

 “So, it’s hopeless?” the butter asked and burst into tears.

 “Well . . .” Ben said, thinking of the butter’s chances out on the streets. “Look, I really can’t deal with this right now. I’ve got bigger problems.” Having no other friends to confide in, he sat in front of his fridge and explained his problems with Ben Two to his groceries.

 “Egg barrage!” the carton of eggs yelled in unison when he had finished. “We’ll get him good. Just throw us in his general direction.” The broccoli just snorted. The butter was still sniffling to itself and the box of baking soda was apparently asleep. The soy sauce said nothing.

 “I don’t know if any of that would help,” Ben said, imagining the cleanup, and the subsequent nightmares.

 “I have an idea,” the soy sauce said quietly. It had a smooth voice that made Ben instantly listen and respect its opinion. “Let me speak to this Ben Two, alone. I think I can solve your problem in a mutually beneficially way.”

 “Uh, okay,” Ben said, rather nonplussed by such a self-assured condiment. “Whatever you want.”

 Ben Two came in at about 5:30, carrying five 24-packs of beer. He seemed to have forgotten about the incident at the school.

 “What are those for? Are you having a party?” Ben asked. Ben Two looked up at him.

 “No, they’re all for me. I heard today that people like drinking alcohol as a way of relaxing. I’m going to try it.”

 “But it won’t affect you; you can’t get drunk.”

 “Well, at least it’ll make a good story.”

 “Uh,” Ben hesitated. “The soy sauce wants to talk to you.” He led Ben Two into the kitchen. The fridge was whistling a blues tune softly to itself. He got out the soy sauce and put it on the table.

 “Leave us,” the soy sauce said. Ben instinctively knew it was talking to him, so he went into the living room and pretended to read while straining to hear what the two were saying. After half an hour, Ben Two came in, holding the soy sauce.

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll leave and let you teach your classes again. Kikkoman and me here are going to go start a crime spree.”

Ben coughed. “What? You can’t do that? They will think it’s me.”

“He has no fingerprints or DNA,” the soy sauce said, “plus I know exactly how to change his face to fool facial recognition software. And we will never, ever get caught.”

“How do you know that?”

“I have been aged,” the soy sauce said, “to perfection.”

With that, they walked out the door. Ben later found out that they had stolen his boat, but under the circumstances, he considered himself lucky.

And so Ben started on the long road back to somewhat normal life. He bought a kayak and through having to paddle between the different islands to teach his classes, he soon lost the weight he had gained. The food that had come to life soon adjusted to their new existence. The butter cheered up immensely after Ben convinced it that no one was going to eat it. Ben bought more food and the eggs guarded it from the broccoli, who had random fits of destruction at times. They all lived peacefully together, except for the box of baking soda, who expired peacefully one night.

Ben still had to stay at school until the end of the day, even when he had no classes, but such is life.


The Hieroglyphics Teacher Strikes Back

For some background (if you wish), read:

The Hieroglyphics Teacher

The Hieroglyphics Teacher Makes a Discovery

heiroglyphics

This can’t be happening, Ben thought. There was an artificial copy of himself (which he had named Ben Two) out there who was planning on making an army of other magically animated robots to help him take over the world, or at least help him do less work. As Ben Two’s creator, Ben couldn’t help but feel slightly responsible for the situation.

Ben had let Ben Two teach all his classes for him while Ben just sat home and played computer and ate Pizza Pockets. But now he would have to go out and stop Ben Two.

But first he played an hour of World of Warcraft and had a couple Pizza Pockets.

The first place he went was the police station.

“Hi, I’d like to report a . . .” It wasn’t a crime, really. “I’d like to report a situation. There is a simulacrum teaching my classes.”

The police officer on duty gave him an easy-going, if totally uncomprehending, smile.

“It’s a magically-animated robot,” Ben said.

“…who’s teaching your classes for you,” the officer finished. Ben nodded. “And who exactly are you?”

“I’m the hieroglyphics teacher for the archipelago. But I also practice alchemy. I made the simulacrum.” The officer was staring at him in such a way that Ben felt compelled to keep giving information. “Then I told him to teach my classes for me, but now he wants to make more of these robots to replace other people.”

“And…?”

“And I’m worried. There has to be a law against that or something.”

Finally, the officer looked down. “Okay then, so where is this robot-thing now?”

They took the police boat over to the island where Ben’s classes were that day. Ben felt incredibly awkward as he followed the two police officers into the school and into the classroom where Ben Two was teaching. The students were watching a movie with hieroglyphic subtitles. They all gasped to see a copy of their teacher walk into the room, identical except much more disheveled and overweight.

clone card

“Excuse me, sir, but this man says you’re a copy of him,” the officer said.

Ben Two stopped the movie. “Actually, I created him,” he said. “Thank you for returning him to me.”

“That’s crazy,” Ben said. “I’m obviously not the simulacrum. Do an X-ray on us and you’ll see.”

“Would you submit to that?” the officer asked Ben Two. Ben Two shook his head. The officer turned and shrugged at Ben. “Sorry, we tried.”

“But who would make an overweight robot?” Ben protested. This all seemed like a bad dream.

“I was curious to see if I could,” Ben Two said. “I also programmed him to believe that he was a human and I was a robot.”

The officers nodded. “Well, you sure did a good job with that part.”

“But why would anyone do that?” Ben asked, becoming almost hysterical.

“My life lacked zest,” Ben Two said in a contemplative tone.

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” the officer said. “What should we do with this thing?”

“I’m a human!” Ben screamed. “Quick, watch me eat something.” Then he remembered that he had made Ben Two able to eat as well. “He can’t go to the bathroom though. Come and watch me go the bathroom!”

“Oh dear, its modesty circuits are malfunctioning again,” Ben Two said. “That happens sometimes. Just drop it at home and I’ll fix it when I get home.”

Ben was dragged off by the police, screaming, “I’m not an it. I’m a human being!”

In the police boat, the police officers poked around for Ben’s off-switch for a bit, then just knocked him on the head a few times. They dropped him off at his house and posted a guard outside.

It really was like a bad dream. He went to get some Pizza Pockets out of the freezer and heard a giggle. He looked up to see the fridge smiling at him.

Fridges are not designed to smile at all, but somehow the blocky, metal appliance gave off the unmistakable impression of smiling.

“Oh, great.” Ben said. “The Elixir of Life…”

elixir_of_life

“Yep, it spilled,” the fridge said. “The eggs are bouncing around inside me like crazy and I think the butter is crying softly in a corner. Do you want to look?”

Ben was sure that he didn’t want to look, but he opened the fridge door (with another giggle from the fridge). The inside was a sea of activity.

 

(to be continued…)


The Mystery of the Missing Amulet: Epilogue

 In this Decide Your Quest story, The Mystery of the Missing Amulet, you were a police officer assigned to guard an estate auction. During the auction, an ancient Egyptian amulet was stolen. The beautiful granddaughter of the  deceased, Brittany, had tried to steal it but she had grabbed the wrong thing because of her eyesight. You also find that she is addicted to danger. Your investigations lead you to Wombat Joe’s Grizzly Bear Emporium and an employee there,  Midnight Gillespie. You retrieve the amulet and Gillespie is arrested. Last week, the viewers voted to ask Brittany out because although she’s addicted to danger, at least she’s hot.amulet

The Mystery of the Missing Amulet: Epilogue

“Brittany, would you go out with me sometime?” you ask.

“Oh yeah,” she says. “I love a man in uniform.”

“This isn’t just the danger addiction thing, is it?”

“No, not at all.” She glances down at your holster. “Does that pistol have a safety switch on it?”

“Yes, of course!”

She sighs. “I see. Pity.”

You date her for a few months and eventually ask her to marry you. You get married but then she joins the professional bear-jitsu circuit and she is away from home a lot. This is fine with you though since she keeps putting cobras in the closet and slipping bits of broken glass in the food. Love is tough sometimes.

Midnight Gillespie is sentenced to five years in prison until the judge takes pity on him for his sheer stupidity and lightens the sentence to house arrest. Even there, he inadvertently gets locked in a closet and spends much of the sentence in self-imposed solitary confinement.

Joe Wombat’s Grizzly Bear Emporium is shut down for being a horrible place for the bears to live. They are scheduled to be returned to the wild, until someone points out that they do not know how to survive in the wild anymore. So, instead they are released into the New York City subway tunnels and forgotten about. This causes a drastic drop in the rat and pigeon populations in the city and despite the occasional bear attack in Central Park, everyone is much happier.

The End

I hope this installment of Decide Your Quest was fun to read, since it was fun to write. I will probably do another one at some point, although not right away. In any case, what type of story would you like to read and participate in next?


The Mystery of the Missing Amulet #6: Everything Wrapped Up

 This is the sixth and final chapter of my Decide Your Quest story, The Mystery of the Missing Amulet. In the last story,you go to Wombat Joe’s Grizzly Bear Emporium and find Midnight Gillespie, who has the amulet. He throws it into the bear pit and you jump in and grab it. You dodge them with your ballet knowledge and Brittany knocks them out with bear-jitsu. Midnight Gillespie takes off in a helicopter. Last week the readers voted for you to shake your fist in impotent rage.amulet

The Mystery of the Missing Amulet, Chapter 6: Everything Wrapped Up

You shake your fist in impotent rage at the retreating helicopter. Probably best since there was nothing appropriate to throw at him.

“He’s getting away!” Brittany yells. “Why didn’t you throw the baby grizzly at him?” You’re rather shocked she would even think of such a thing.

“You know, I’m not sure why I’m doing this all on my own,” you say. “I’m going to call back to headquarters.”

You call back to police headquarters and get roundly yelled at by the lieutenant for not reporting in earlier. However, he grudgingly accept your story about the theft and promise to send a police helicopter out to find Midnight Gillespie.

You go back to the police station with Brittany to make out your report, although you neglect to mention that Brittany had been attempting to steal the amulet all along.

The next day you find out that Midnight Gillespie has been arrested. He had gotten away in a local TV news helicopter after he promised to give them an exclusive on who stole the amulet, effectively confessing to the crime and giving himself up.

Your lieutenant describes him as “an incredibly dim individual and the worst criminal I have ever seen.” He goes on to add that “only a series of freakish events and a colossal amount of incompetence on the part of the guard and auction house staff could result in Midnight Gillespie successfully committing any crime.” Apparently the bear hair and his name tag left at the scene were accidental.

However, then he commends you for regaining the amulet and your suicidal bravery in leaping into the bear pit. For some reason, he likes it when you do suicidal things.

“You’re one special officer, sonny boy,” he says in an avuncular way. “I’m promoting you back to the rank of Rookie, from the special rank of Sub-Rookie we had to demote you to after that . . . unpleasantness last year with the mayor and the K-9 unit.”

“Thank you,” you say, saluting. There is no medal, but he does let you take the special Sub-Rookie badge of shame off your uniform.

Brittany is waiting outside for you. “Well, hot stuff. I guess we made it. It’s almost dinner time. Can I take you out on a date?”

Hmm, she is pretty hot, but on the other hand, she’s got some pretty big issues. Big, scary, exciting issues.


The Mystery of the Missing Amulet #5: Bear-jitsu

 Chapter 5 of my Decide Your Quest story, The Mystery of the Missing Amulet. In the last story,you go to Wombat Joe’s Grizzly Bear Emporium and find Midnight Gillespie, who has the amulet. He throws it into the bear pit. Last week the readers voted for you to jump into the bear pit to retrieve the amulet before the bears ate it.amulet

The Mystery of the Missing Amulet, Chapter 5: Bear-jitsu

There isn’t a moment to lose. Your boss always says that the best thing about you is your willingness to do something insanely stupid without thinking. You leap into the bear pit without another thought, landing next to the amulet a second before the bears reach it. You snatch it up and then dodge a swipe from a bear paw that undoubtedly would have disemboweled you.

You are surrounded by hungry grizzly bears. A large female charges and you dance to the side, ducking under another and pirouetting around a third before making a flying leap over the biggest male. Apparently those ballet lessons your mother made you take when you were small were worth all the emotional scarring.

Someone lands in the pen beside you. It’s Brittany and you can tell by the fire in her eyes that she is in heaven.

“This is awesome!” she screams. “I haven’t been in this much danger since the Bleach ‘n’ Piranha Water Polo Classic.”

“Get out of here unless you know ballet,” you shout, pulling a complicated evasive arabesque.

She doesn’t know ballet, it seems, but it also doesn’t seem to matter as Brittany explodes on the bears, becoming a tornado of fists and flying head kicks. A minute later and all the grizzly bears except one baby (because seriously, who kicks a baby bear?) are lying stunned on the ground.

“How in the world did you—”

“Bear-jitsu,” she says. “I’m only a rainbow belt, but I think I did okay. You got the amulet?”

“Yeah, it’s right here,” you say.

At that moment, you hear a helicopter above you. A ladder is let down and Midnight Gillespie leaps on.

“He’s getting away!” Brittany shouts, totally unnecessarily.

If only you could stop him somehow.


The Mystery of the Missing Amulet #4: Bears Ahoy!

 Chapter 4 of my Decide Your Quest story, The Mystery of the Missing Amulet. In the last story,you found that Brittany, the granddaughter of the former owner of the amulet, tried to steal it but since her eyesight is so bad, she accidentally stole the auctioneer’s gavel. You found grizzly bear hair, a brochure for Wombat Joe’s Grizzly Bear Emporium and a nametag that said Midnight Gillespie. The readers voted for you to go to Wombat Joe’s to investigate.amulet

The Mystery of the Missing Amulet, Chapter 4: Bear’s Ahoy!

You decide to go check out Wombat Joe’s Grizzly Bear Emporium. It’s almost 5 pm already and according to your sources (Google), it closes at 5:30.

“I think we should go to Wombat Joe’s,” Brittany says.

“I was thinking the same thing,” you say.

“We should go wrestle the bears,” she says.

You weren’t thinking that at all. “Is this part of your danger addiction?” She nods.

You drive over to Wombat Joe’s Grizzly Bear Emporium, getting there after it closes. The emporium is like a huge park, where the visitors walk on walkways over the bears. Signs instruct visitors to taunt the bears as much as they want and throw food.

“Bears are not fed a regular diet and subsist only on dropped hot dogs and lollipops,” one sign reads. “Please be generous. But also, watch your kids and pets.”

“Come on,” Brittany says. She starts to climb over the fence.

“Wait!” you whisper. Someone is just coming out of the main building. He looks like an employee. “I’m going to go charm him,” you say to Brittany.

“Excuse me, sir!” you call out, walking over to him. The man jerks his head up and gives you a look like a trapped hyena. “You’re looking very fine this evening,” you continue. “I’m looking for a man named Midnight Gillespie—”

The man punches you in the face and flees back into the building. Son of a Tim Tam! That really hurt! You run after the man, who luckily did not get a chance to lock the door after him. Out of the corner of your eye, you see that Brittany has gotten her dress tangled in the top of the fence.

You follow the fleeing figure along several suspended walkways until he is trapped in a corner of the park. Underneath, you can see (and smell) the bears quite well. They are only a few feet below you.

“Are you Midnight Gillespie?” you ask, panting for air.

“Is that what my nametag says?” the man jeers.

“You’re not wearing one,” you say and pull out the nametag you have from the crime scene. “I think this is yours. Now, did you steal the amulet from the auction?”

“I didn’t touch any amulet,” the man says. Immediately, in direct contradiction to his words, he pulls out the amulet from his pocket and throws it over the side. Three bears run for it immediately. What should you do?


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