For this piece, I want to give a shout out to Eric Alagan, since he always says I have unique point of views in my stories.
Interviewer (David Stewart): Thanks for talking with me. For the record, your real name is 666 Ghoul Dr, is that right?
Haunted House: Actually, there was some redistricting last year. Now I’m 8712 Ghoul Parkway.
DS: Fair enough. The reason I wanted to talk to you is that you have been accused, frankly, of being evil. How do you respond to that?
HH: It’s just terrible, David. For one thing, “haunted” has such a stigma to it. People say I have ghosts and for some reason, that’s cause to shun me. How about getting me some help, right?
DS: Do you have ghosts?
HH: Well . . . yes, I suppose.
DS: Why did you hesitate? And why is your wallpaper turning red now? Is this some sort of REDROOM thing?
HH: No, I’m blushing, and thank you very much for calling attention to it. Actually, ghosts are just how I . . . pass gas. Ethereal gas. It’s a problem older houses have from time to time. We don’t like to make a big deal of it.
DS: What about the rumors that your walls bleed sometimes?
HH: Oh, now I’m in trouble for having blood in me? You have blood in you and no one calls you haunted. Look, it’s just for fun, okay? Like a party trick. I just do it to cheer the owners up if they look like they’re having a bad day. It puts the life back into them. They start running around, screaming, calling people. It’s good stuff.
DS: And the portal to an unknown dimension that’s in your basement?
HH: Oh that. A previous owner had that installed to shorten his commute. He had a weird job. Frankly, considering how rare it is, I’d think it’d be a selling point. Kind of like a hot tub with fifth-dimensional bubbles.
DS: I see. So basically, you consider yourself a fairly ordinary house, just misunderstood.
HH: Well, I’m definitely not ordinary. I like to think I’m just waiting for that special owner. So for anyone looking, I’m on the market. And my price has been slashed repeatedly!
(I couldn’t resist the quote from my favorite TV show)